Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that what we are facing is just a small ant hill in our world full of mountains. This song reminded me of this important fact:
What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And then you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else seem
So small
- Carrie Underwood
So, I guess it's time to start making that time count.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Ten Feet Deep
Lately, I have had this extremely weird, overwhelming feeling. Almost like I'm being suffocated. I feel like I'm ten feet deep in the ocean, not knowing when I can come up for air.
This semester has almost proved to be exactly when I expected: MISERABLE. I have a lot riding on this year as far as academics go and I am honestly trying my hardest. My father has always said, "As long as I know you tried," so I am.
I live in an apartment with five other girls and I now understand why I get a long with guys better. Girls can be NASTY! Out of my five roomates I get along with one. I shouldn't say I "get along with" but I really only like one of them. I am nice and civil with the other four but if I could go back and do this all over again, which I would never do, I would never live with these girls again. I leave school every single weekend, not necessarily because of them but, because I don't want to be there. I'm not your typical college "partier," I never have been - and all of my friends graduated in May. So instead, I come home and work and spend time with the people I want to spend time with. The one roomate I do like, hates that I go home and tries convincing me otherwise every single weekend. Which, unknown to her, just pisses me off and makes me want to go home that much more. I know that sounds nasty but I let everyone else do what they want to do without saying a word about it; how come for the past four years almost EVERYONE, at school at least, questions what I want to do. It is MY senior year and I should be able to spend it the way I WANT TO! Sorry, I know that sounds selfish and self centered, but I can't help it. I've gone through a lot to get where I am and although I'm not content where I am, I have no choice. I need to go through the next few months and suck it up - but I should be able to do it the way I want to.
I count down the days, the weeks, and the months til May 14th when I will walk across the stage and peace the hell out of school! I know everyone says not to rush through school, but its a whole lot different when you haven't rushed through and you are just done. Done with the work, done with the parties, done with the drama.
So until then, I need to figure out a way to start breathing again, to start living and making the best out of this situation. I just find myself back at square one whenever I try: telling myself I don't want to be here!!
Sorry for the depressing post - I needed to get that off my chest.
This semester has almost proved to be exactly when I expected: MISERABLE. I have a lot riding on this year as far as academics go and I am honestly trying my hardest. My father has always said, "As long as I know you tried," so I am.
I live in an apartment with five other girls and I now understand why I get a long with guys better. Girls can be NASTY! Out of my five roomates I get along with one. I shouldn't say I "get along with" but I really only like one of them. I am nice and civil with the other four but if I could go back and do this all over again, which I would never do, I would never live with these girls again. I leave school every single weekend, not necessarily because of them but, because I don't want to be there. I'm not your typical college "partier," I never have been - and all of my friends graduated in May. So instead, I come home and work and spend time with the people I want to spend time with. The one roomate I do like, hates that I go home and tries convincing me otherwise every single weekend. Which, unknown to her, just pisses me off and makes me want to go home that much more. I know that sounds nasty but I let everyone else do what they want to do without saying a word about it; how come for the past four years almost EVERYONE, at school at least, questions what I want to do. It is MY senior year and I should be able to spend it the way I WANT TO! Sorry, I know that sounds selfish and self centered, but I can't help it. I've gone through a lot to get where I am and although I'm not content where I am, I have no choice. I need to go through the next few months and suck it up - but I should be able to do it the way I want to.
I count down the days, the weeks, and the months til May 14th when I will walk across the stage and peace the hell out of school! I know everyone says not to rush through school, but its a whole lot different when you haven't rushed through and you are just done. Done with the work, done with the parties, done with the drama.
So until then, I need to figure out a way to start breathing again, to start living and making the best out of this situation. I just find myself back at square one whenever I try: telling myself I don't want to be here!!
Sorry for the depressing post - I needed to get that off my chest.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
At the tip of your toes . . .
So here it is. This day I've been waiting for begins in just a short 36 minutes. There isn't any turning back. It is time for me to live in the moment, with no regrets.
Just a few short months ago I wrote a blog about all my friends graduating - how tough it was to see them all walk across the stage and receive their diploma while I just sat and watched. Tomorrow, I move to school for the last time, for my Senior year. Sitting at dinner tonight, I told my father how weird it was that I was actually moving out to school for my Senior year - how I NEVER thought this day would come. Just about 5 years ago I began my college career, I remember sitting in the car while it was pouring raining dreading the thought of moving to college. Tonight I sit here, I wouldn't say dreading the thought of moving to college, but rather unsure. Who knows what this year will bring! When I headed West this time 5 years ago, I can guarentee you I didn't think what has happened over the past five years would have happened.
Tomorrow brings about a lot of different emotions. I'm scared and sad: This is the first year I'm there without the kids I entered school with. Without my roomates from the past two years. Without some of the people who have become more like family, my better halves. I'm stressed because my life sits in boxes and bags and crates downstairs and I know I should have loaded the car tonight but didn't. Instead, I went to see my cousin who in just 5 short days will close a chapter of her life when she moves out of the house her and her husband first bought together. I'm anxious because this is a new beginning. I know that sounds rediculous but this is the first time I'm doing this alone, without the people I am MOST comfortable with. I'm excited because the road to get me to my Senior year of college has been a long one; one that is written all over me through the scars and marks on my body. Thats right, the marks on my body tell my story - who I am and why I am the way I am. Why are they called "scars"? That word has such a negative sound to it. Regardless, I "made it" if you will. This year is MY year! I need to push aside all these other random emotions and just be happy. Happy that I'm a Senior! Happy that I have the memories of the past 5 years! Happy with who I am! . . . you get the idea!
So, here's to tomorrow. May this school year be the best yet!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
"Time heals all wounds!"
It has been said that, "time heals all wounds." Why can't the amount of time the wound takes to heal be known. I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
In my last post, I talked about regret. I mentioned a particular situation where I ended up completely regreting both my words and my actions. That "best friend" that I was afraid of losing has yet to determine whether or not he still wants to be with me. The whole "argument," if you will, started two weeks ago yesturday. Since that time I have talked to him a total of two times, and nothing could hurt more. I talk to almost everyone about it, because I am obsessing over it. I want him to stick around, to trust me, and to believe me when I say that I'm working on it, that I am really trying to be a better, more positive, person. I have no idea what is going on in his head, and what his intentions are. I want to talk to him, but everyone keeps telling me to let him come to me. My only problem is I'm so afraid he never will. Granted, if he doesn't then this was obviously never meant to be, but I can't accept that just yet. Some people have told me that it is time for me to pick up my life and move on, but I can't - I'm not ready to. Right now, I want to hold on to the hope that everything will eventually be okay. Yes, I know that things will never go back to normal and thats okay. There are things that need to change anyway, things that I didn't realize needed to change until this all happened. I guess I can look at this and think that this "time" has been for the better, that is if it works out in the end.
In the mean time, my fingers are crossed, and I hope yours are too ;-)
In my last post, I talked about regret. I mentioned a particular situation where I ended up completely regreting both my words and my actions. That "best friend" that I was afraid of losing has yet to determine whether or not he still wants to be with me. The whole "argument," if you will, started two weeks ago yesturday. Since that time I have talked to him a total of two times, and nothing could hurt more. I talk to almost everyone about it, because I am obsessing over it. I want him to stick around, to trust me, and to believe me when I say that I'm working on it, that I am really trying to be a better, more positive, person. I have no idea what is going on in his head, and what his intentions are. I want to talk to him, but everyone keeps telling me to let him come to me. My only problem is I'm so afraid he never will. Granted, if he doesn't then this was obviously never meant to be, but I can't accept that just yet. Some people have told me that it is time for me to pick up my life and move on, but I can't - I'm not ready to. Right now, I want to hold on to the hope that everything will eventually be okay. Yes, I know that things will never go back to normal and thats okay. There are things that need to change anyway, things that I didn't realize needed to change until this all happened. I guess I can look at this and think that this "time" has been for the better, that is if it works out in the end.
In the mean time, my fingers are crossed, and I hope yours are too ;-)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Regret
Have you ever done something or said something and the second the action is complete, or the words are pouring off the tip of your tounge you regret it?
Unfortunately, I have a really bad habit of that. I tend to say or do things to get a reaction out of people, and when I don't get the reaction I was looking for I get upset. As of recently I thought I was getting better with my patience and was over this extremely bad habit until last Monday when it hit me for the worst. It's like verbal diherra (I don't know how to spell that?!). I was at my boyfriend's house and was suppose to be heading back home, when he simply said "Ok." to my leaving I was mad. I know he cares about me, but I wanted him to want me to stay. Screwed up, right? So when he didn't have the reaction I wanted, I lost it. Needless to say, this turned into him not speaking to me. It has since been a week and I'm still not really sure as to what the deal is. Many people seem to think that what he is doing is mean, but in all honesty I deserve it. There have been numerous times in the past two years of our relationship that he said he was going to do this and never did. Him doing this has made me realize a lot about both the relationship we have and myself. I know I need to stop taking people for granted, especially those closest to me whom I care about most. I need to be more cautious of what is coming out of my mouth and not say things that aren't needed to be said. About our relationship, I've learned how important he is to me, that I am scared beyong belief about losing him, not so much as my "boyfriend," but more as my best friend.
I know this isn't something that you would expect to find on my blog, but I needed to get it out and as I've mentioned in previous posts I like the typing on a blog far better than handwriting in a journal.
Til' next time
Unfortunately, I have a really bad habit of that. I tend to say or do things to get a reaction out of people, and when I don't get the reaction I was looking for I get upset. As of recently I thought I was getting better with my patience and was over this extremely bad habit until last Monday when it hit me for the worst. It's like verbal diherra (I don't know how to spell that?!). I was at my boyfriend's house and was suppose to be heading back home, when he simply said "Ok." to my leaving I was mad. I know he cares about me, but I wanted him to want me to stay. Screwed up, right? So when he didn't have the reaction I wanted, I lost it. Needless to say, this turned into him not speaking to me. It has since been a week and I'm still not really sure as to what the deal is. Many people seem to think that what he is doing is mean, but in all honesty I deserve it. There have been numerous times in the past two years of our relationship that he said he was going to do this and never did. Him doing this has made me realize a lot about both the relationship we have and myself. I know I need to stop taking people for granted, especially those closest to me whom I care about most. I need to be more cautious of what is coming out of my mouth and not say things that aren't needed to be said. About our relationship, I've learned how important he is to me, that I am scared beyong belief about losing him, not so much as my "boyfriend," but more as my best friend.
I know this isn't something that you would expect to find on my blog, but I needed to get it out and as I've mentioned in previous posts I like the typing on a blog far better than handwriting in a journal.
Til' next time
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
It's when the reality all sets in. . .
It was just about a year and a half ago that I made the decision to take my second semester in a row off from school. It was an extremely hard decision then, and I knew that when it came to May 2010 I would just relive those long nights of tears and lack of sleep.
Well, May 2010 has arrived a lot sooner than I ever thought it would, and now those decisions I made just under two years ago are finally showing their ugly heads. When I decided to take those two semesters off, I had a hard time because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Yeah I had a big surgery, so what. I was young, I should have been able to bounce back without a problem - but I wasn't able to. The "adults" in my life told me I was making a good decision, that it was the best I could make. My question, is when am I going to feel this way. It is May 2010 - I should be graduating college this coming Saturday with the rest of my friends, but I'm not. On Saturday, they will all walk across the stage, receive their diploma, and leave for good. Hopefully, they will be back to visit next year - but who knows what roads life will carry them down. My boyfriend, of just about 18 months, will also be graduating. He, unlike my friends however, can't wait to get that piece of paper proving that he spent the four years he needed to receive it and leave for good. He claims that after he graduates he is never leaving his hometown. Okay, fine . . . but what does that mean for me? Yeah, I'm young and "there are plenty other fish in the sea" but that is a different problem.
Regardless, my friends had their "Last Supper" last night at the college's dining hall, they spent the day and evening at a local casino tonight, and the rest of the week brings a variety of other activities. MY problem with this, is that I am living this week with them, through them via text messaging. I wish I was there, I should be there. Had I been a healthy, normal 18 year old - I WOULD be there.
This week brings about a lot of regrets, causes a lot of rediculous questions to arise: should I have really taken those two semesters off? What would have happened if I didn't? Would I regret that now too?
It's hard. I won't try to sugar coat anything. I try to keep a positive outlook on everything all of the time. But for some reason, I just can't keep that smile on my face this week. And my friends aren't even around for me to complain to. I'm sure that come next year, I will be singing a different tune. Until then, I guess I'll rub it in their faces that I have another year of college and well, REAL WORLD HERE THEY COME!! SUCKASSS!
Well, May 2010 has arrived a lot sooner than I ever thought it would, and now those decisions I made just under two years ago are finally showing their ugly heads. When I decided to take those two semesters off, I had a hard time because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Yeah I had a big surgery, so what. I was young, I should have been able to bounce back without a problem - but I wasn't able to. The "adults" in my life told me I was making a good decision, that it was the best I could make. My question, is when am I going to feel this way. It is May 2010 - I should be graduating college this coming Saturday with the rest of my friends, but I'm not. On Saturday, they will all walk across the stage, receive their diploma, and leave for good. Hopefully, they will be back to visit next year - but who knows what roads life will carry them down. My boyfriend, of just about 18 months, will also be graduating. He, unlike my friends however, can't wait to get that piece of paper proving that he spent the four years he needed to receive it and leave for good. He claims that after he graduates he is never leaving his hometown. Okay, fine . . . but what does that mean for me? Yeah, I'm young and "there are plenty other fish in the sea" but that is a different problem.
Regardless, my friends had their "Last Supper" last night at the college's dining hall, they spent the day and evening at a local casino tonight, and the rest of the week brings a variety of other activities. MY problem with this, is that I am living this week with them, through them via text messaging. I wish I was there, I should be there. Had I been a healthy, normal 18 year old - I WOULD be there.
This week brings about a lot of regrets, causes a lot of rediculous questions to arise: should I have really taken those two semesters off? What would have happened if I didn't? Would I regret that now too?
It's hard. I won't try to sugar coat anything. I try to keep a positive outlook on everything all of the time. But for some reason, I just can't keep that smile on my face this week. And my friends aren't even around for me to complain to. I'm sure that come next year, I will be singing a different tune. Until then, I guess I'll rub it in their faces that I have another year of college and well, REAL WORLD HERE THEY COME!! SUCKASSS!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Ice Water.
Koozies.
Royal Blue.
Winterfresh Chewing Gum.
Blonde.
Singing.
Dancing.
The tape deck under the cabinets to the left of the back door.
Stop Screaming!
Tupperware full of cookies. (Drawer 3? on the left)
Slippers with the cutout toes.
Smile.
Polaroid.
Christmas.
Choir.
Chips & Dip.
Popsicles.
Fake eyebrows.
Love.
This short list is just the beginning of a numerous amount of things that trigger the memories I have shared with my grandmother over the past 21 years.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just a few short years ago and as of late has been "failing," as they say. She has put in a good fight and is ready to throw the towel in. None of us want her to go, and regardless of whether or not she is here with us or watching over us, our love for her is endless. My wanting her to continue to put up a fight is selfish. If she was her "normal" self, she would be appalled at the thought of the way she is now. She would never want to live like this. Come to think of it, I would never want to live the way she has been. Who would?
Seeing her, lying in her bed, tonight was not the Grandmother I have grown up knowing. She has stopped eating and drinking. She doesn't seem to know how to anymore. We stood there, standing over her, watching her the whole time, even though nothing changed the entire time we were there. I want her to know that I love her, and I always will . . . now and forever. That when she is ready to go, I'll be okay with it. I want to know she is herself again. Aware of everything, and everyone, around her. Able to sing with the magnificent voice God blessed her with, and to sing as loud and for as long as she wants. I want her to feel at rest: that she doesn't need to keep fighting, that she does not feel anymore pain. I want her to smile like she always smiled at me growing up. I want her to love me and watch over me; to be my Guardian Angel.
I love you Nana, always!
Koozies.
Royal Blue.
Winterfresh Chewing Gum.
Blonde.
Singing.
Dancing.
The tape deck under the cabinets to the left of the back door.
Stop Screaming!
Tupperware full of cookies. (Drawer 3? on the left)
Slippers with the cutout toes.
Smile.
Polaroid.
Christmas.
Choir.
Chips & Dip.
Popsicles.
Fake eyebrows.
Love.
This short list is just the beginning of a numerous amount of things that trigger the memories I have shared with my grandmother over the past 21 years.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just a few short years ago and as of late has been "failing," as they say. She has put in a good fight and is ready to throw the towel in. None of us want her to go, and regardless of whether or not she is here with us or watching over us, our love for her is endless. My wanting her to continue to put up a fight is selfish. If she was her "normal" self, she would be appalled at the thought of the way she is now. She would never want to live like this. Come to think of it, I would never want to live the way she has been. Who would?
Seeing her, lying in her bed, tonight was not the Grandmother I have grown up knowing. She has stopped eating and drinking. She doesn't seem to know how to anymore. We stood there, standing over her, watching her the whole time, even though nothing changed the entire time we were there. I want her to know that I love her, and I always will . . . now and forever. That when she is ready to go, I'll be okay with it. I want to know she is herself again. Aware of everything, and everyone, around her. Able to sing with the magnificent voice God blessed her with, and to sing as loud and for as long as she wants. I want her to feel at rest: that she doesn't need to keep fighting, that she does not feel anymore pain. I want her to smile like she always smiled at me growing up. I want her to love me and watch over me; to be my Guardian Angel.
I love you Nana, always!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Dean's List
For the first semester of my Freshman year in college I worked hard enough and made Dean's List at my school. The semester following that, but before my medical leave, I missed Dean's List by a .02, EVERYTIME!! Last semester, I was no where near making Dean's List but for whatever reason, I was okay with that. Taking a year off from school and making the decision to go back was hard enough. Rather than wrapping myself up in school work, I enjoyed my friends. I had fun, I was irresponsible, and I was happy. It was easy to do as the semester went on, but when I recieved my grades it was everything but okay. Returning to school this fall, I was determined to bring up my grades and I did. It is hard because I'm a smart girl, but I need to work for my good grades. I found myself constantly sitting at my desk focusing on school work. I'm not sure quite why but I did. Regardless, I still didn't make Dean's List. However, I brought up my grades by A LOT - so I was still happy.
On a happier note, I was informed by my doctor that my health has finally made Dean's List!! When I tell you it is the greatest feeling in the world, I'm not joking. Right before Christmas, I had my typical checkup with my surgeon. I told him about pain that I had been experiencing and he ran a bunch of tests through bloodwork. I emailed my nurse just a couple days ago and she replied with the most uplifting news. The part that meant the most to me, was that she was just as excited as I was. Like, she was proud to tell me that news. The way I'm trying to look at this is that it is a sign - this e-mail was the first interaction I had with any of my doctors in 2010 so I'm hoping this means I will be having a happy, and healthy New Year.
Here's hoping the same to all of you
On a happier note, I was informed by my doctor that my health has finally made Dean's List!! When I tell you it is the greatest feeling in the world, I'm not joking. Right before Christmas, I had my typical checkup with my surgeon. I told him about pain that I had been experiencing and he ran a bunch of tests through bloodwork. I emailed my nurse just a couple days ago and she replied with the most uplifting news. The part that meant the most to me, was that she was just as excited as I was. Like, she was proud to tell me that news. The way I'm trying to look at this is that it is a sign - this e-mail was the first interaction I had with any of my doctors in 2010 so I'm hoping this means I will be having a happy, and healthy New Year.
Here's hoping the same to all of you
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
