At the tip of your toes . . .

So here it is. This day I've been waiting for begins in just a short 36 minutes. There isn't any turning back. It is time for me to live in the moment, with no regrets.

Just a few short months ago I wrote a blog about all my friends graduating - how tough it was to see them all walk across the stage and receive their diploma while I just sat and watched. Tomorrow, I move to school for the last time, for my Senior year. Sitting at dinner tonight, I told my father how weird it was that I was actually moving out to school for my Senior year - how I NEVER thought this day would come. Just about 5 years ago I began my college career, I remember sitting in the car while it was pouring raining dreading the thought of moving to college. Tonight I sit here, I wouldn't say dreading the thought of moving to college, but rather unsure. Who knows what this year will bring! When I headed West this time 5 years ago, I can guarentee you I didn't think what has happened over the past five years would have happened.

Tomorrow brings about a lot of different emotions. I'm scared and sad: This is the first year I'm there without the kids I entered school with. Without my roomates from the past two years. Without some of the people who have become more like family, my better halves. I'm stressed because my life sits in boxes and bags and crates downstairs and I know I should have loaded the car tonight but didn't. Instead, I went to see my cousin who in just 5 short days will close a chapter of her life when she moves out of the house her and her husband first bought together. I'm anxious because this is a new beginning. I know that sounds rediculous but this is the first time I'm doing this alone, without the people I am MOST comfortable with. I'm excited because the road to get me to my Senior year of college has been a long one; one that is written all over me through the scars and marks on my body. Thats right, the marks on my body tell my story - who I am and why I am the way I am. Why are they called "scars"? That word has such a negative sound to it. Regardless, I "made it" if you will. This year is MY year! I need to push aside all these other random emotions and just be happy. Happy that I'm a Senior! Happy that I have the memories of the past 5 years! Happy with who I am! . . . you get the idea!

So, here's to tomorrow. May this school year be the best yet!

"Time heals all wounds!"

It has been said that, "time heals all wounds." Why can't the amount of time the wound takes to heal be known. I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

In my last post, I talked about regret. I mentioned a particular situation where I ended up completely regreting both my words and my actions. That "best friend" that I was afraid of losing has yet to determine whether or not he still wants to be with me. The whole "argument," if you will, started two weeks ago yesturday. Since that time I have talked to him a total of two times, and nothing could hurt more. I talk to almost everyone about it, because I am obsessing over it. I want him to stick around, to trust me, and to believe me when I say that I'm working on it, that I am really trying to be a better, more positive, person. I have no idea what is going on in his head, and what his intentions are. I want to talk to him, but everyone keeps telling me to let him come to me. My only problem is I'm so afraid he never will. Granted, if he doesn't then this was obviously never meant to be, but I can't accept that just yet. Some people have told me that it is time for me to pick up my life and move on, but I can't - I'm not ready to. Right now, I want to hold on to the hope that everything will eventually be okay. Yes, I know that things will never go back to normal and thats okay. There are things that need to change anyway, things that I didn't realize needed to change until this all happened. I guess I can look at this and think that this "time" has been for the better, that is if it works out in the end.

In the mean time, my fingers are crossed, and I hope yours are too ;-)

Regret

Have you ever done something or said something and the second the action is complete, or the words are pouring off the tip of your tounge you regret it?

Unfortunately, I have a really bad habit of that. I tend to say or do things to get a reaction out of people, and when I don't get the reaction I was looking for I get upset. As of recently I thought I was getting better with my patience and was over this extremely bad habit until last Monday when it hit me for the worst. It's like verbal diherra (I don't know how to spell that?!). I was at my boyfriend's house and was suppose to be heading back home, when he simply said "Ok." to my leaving I was mad. I know he cares about me, but I wanted him to want me to stay. Screwed up, right? So when he didn't have the reaction I wanted, I lost it. Needless to say, this turned into him not speaking to me. It has since been a week and I'm still not really sure as to what the deal is. Many people seem to think that what he is doing is mean, but in all honesty I deserve it. There have been numerous times in the past two years of our relationship that he said he was going to do this and never did. Him doing this has made me realize a lot about both the relationship we have and myself. I know I need to stop taking people for granted, especially those closest to me whom I care about most. I need to be more cautious of what is coming out of my mouth and not say things that aren't needed to be said. About our relationship, I've learned how important he is to me, that I am scared beyong belief about losing him, not so much as my "boyfriend," but more as my best friend.

I know this isn't something that you would expect to find on my blog, but I needed to get it out and as I've mentioned in previous posts I like the typing on a blog far better than handwriting in a journal.

Til' next time