Keeping your head up!

I don't even know where to begin. I haven't written here in such a long time and everything has just built up. I figured that by now I would be feeling a million and one times better and well, I'm not.



I had my second pouchscope done on October 31 because I was having problems with my pouch. He said that everything looked great and I was okay. He did dialate it just to be on the safe side and was done. He sent me home with a perscription for tylenol with codine and said that I might be in pain for a few days. Here we are almost 2 and 1/2 weeks later and I'm still in pain. I saw the doctor last tuesday and he said it could be the beginning of an infection and put me on two antibiotics. He said that if the pain got worse or wasn't going away to give him a call. I went to school to visit friends over the weekend and was okay for the most part but when I got home Sunday night the pain brought me to tears. Monday I called the doctor and he said he wanted to see me. The nurse called back and said to pack a bag and prepare to be admitted. I was so upset and aggrivated. Wasn't the 12 nights I spent in there in the end of July, beginning of August enough?! So I packed my bag and off I went.

The doctor examined me and told me of his original plan to admit me and give me antibiotics through an IV but then said he doubted it would make a difference. The next option was surgery, surgery number two. Granted, this surgery was only minor and considered "day surgery." But regardless, who wants to have any type of surgery. The were going to drain the anal abcess that had developed due to a tear from the last pouchscope. They told me it would be on Wednesday. Well, this morning (Tuesday) I got a phone call. The nurse asked me if I had eaten or drank anything as of yet. I said no and she said "Okay, don't. I'll call you right back." And that she did. They told me to arrive at 11 and that the surgery would be at 1. They didn't actually start the surgery til 2. When I woke up my dad told me the doctor had said he was glad he drained it when he did because the puss was several teaspoons-ful. HOW GROSS!!!!! I now have a hole with a "wick" in it and a gauze pad "taped" over it on my bum. I know thats a little descriptive and probably too much information but it is what it is. I have to go back on Thursday for him to change the dressing and see how its doing.

When will it be over? I ask myself everyday. I can't take it anymore. I don't have it in me. I am drained. If I'm not working, I'm in bed. I'm excited to return to school in January because it will be a new lifestyle, and a new beginning. But at the same time I am so nervous. I want to know that I will be healthy. The doctors had told me 6 to 12 months for a full recovery and it hasn't even been 4. I feel like it has been 4 years and everyone keeps telling me "Your gunna wake up some morning and just feel like yourself again." When is that going to be? And why is it taking so long?

I hate complaining about my aches and pains because if I did it whenever I had them, I would be complaining all the time. People have other stuff to worry about, things that are more important. Don't get me wrong, I have had amazing support through all of this but sometimes it isn't enough. The worst is that I'm not asking for more. I don't know what it is I need. A good cry? A vacation? Something to release my stress and anger? Who knows? I just feel like its eating away at me. That I don't have any emotions anymore because of everything I've dealt with. That I've become like a zombie. Just there, doing my daily routine. A person who isn't affected by any type of emotion. I want to be the girl I was before I was ever sick. The problem there is that I was sick for so long that I dont remember who she is. Who knows?

I just hope things turn around from here on out. Cause I'm done!