Ten Feet Deep

Lately, I have had this extremely weird, overwhelming feeling. Almost like I'm being suffocated. I feel like I'm ten feet deep in the ocean, not knowing when I can come up for air.

This semester has almost proved to be exactly when I expected: MISERABLE. I have a lot riding on this year as far as academics go and I am honestly trying my hardest. My father has always said, "As long as I know you tried," so I am.

I live in an apartment with five other girls and I now understand why I get a long with guys better. Girls can be NASTY! Out of my five roomates I get along with one. I shouldn't say I "get along with" but I really only like one of them. I am nice and civil with the other four but if I could go back and do this all over again, which I would never do, I would never live with these girls again. I leave school every single weekend, not necessarily because of them but, because I don't want to be there. I'm not your typical college "partier," I never have been - and all of my friends graduated in May. So instead, I come home and work and spend time with the people I want to spend time with. The one roomate I do like, hates that I go home and tries convincing me otherwise every single weekend. Which, unknown to her, just pisses me off and makes me want to go home that much more. I know that sounds nasty but I let everyone else do what they want to do without saying a word about it; how come for the past four years almost EVERYONE, at school at least, questions what I want to do. It is MY senior year and I should be able to spend it the way I WANT TO! Sorry, I know that sounds selfish and self centered, but I can't help it. I've gone through a lot to get where I am and although I'm not content where I am, I have no choice. I need to go through the next few months and suck it up - but I should be able to do it the way I want to.

I count down the days, the weeks, and the months til May 14th when I will walk across the stage and peace the hell out of school! I know everyone says not to rush through school, but its a whole lot different when you haven't rushed through and you are just done. Done with the work, done with the parties, done with the drama.

So until then, I need to figure out a way to start breathing again, to start living and making the best out of this situation. I just find myself back at square one whenever I try: telling myself I don't want to be here!!

Sorry for the depressing post - I needed to get that off my chest.