Monday, October 4, 2010

Ten Feet Deep

Lately, I have had this extremely weird, overwhelming feeling. Almost like I'm being suffocated. I feel like I'm ten feet deep in the ocean, not knowing when I can come up for air.

This semester has almost proved to be exactly when I expected: MISERABLE. I have a lot riding on this year as far as academics go and I am honestly trying my hardest. My father has always said, "As long as I know you tried," so I am.

I live in an apartment with five other girls and I now understand why I get a long with guys better. Girls can be NASTY! Out of my five roomates I get along with one. I shouldn't say I "get along with" but I really only like one of them. I am nice and civil with the other four but if I could go back and do this all over again, which I would never do, I would never live with these girls again. I leave school every single weekend, not necessarily because of them but, because I don't want to be there. I'm not your typical college "partier," I never have been - and all of my friends graduated in May. So instead, I come home and work and spend time with the people I want to spend time with. The one roomate I do like, hates that I go home and tries convincing me otherwise every single weekend. Which, unknown to her, just pisses me off and makes me want to go home that much more. I know that sounds nasty but I let everyone else do what they want to do without saying a word about it; how come for the past four years almost EVERYONE, at school at least, questions what I want to do. It is MY senior year and I should be able to spend it the way I WANT TO! Sorry, I know that sounds selfish and self centered, but I can't help it. I've gone through a lot to get where I am and although I'm not content where I am, I have no choice. I need to go through the next few months and suck it up - but I should be able to do it the way I want to.

I count down the days, the weeks, and the months til May 14th when I will walk across the stage and peace the hell out of school! I know everyone says not to rush through school, but its a whole lot different when you haven't rushed through and you are just done. Done with the work, done with the parties, done with the drama.

So until then, I need to figure out a way to start breathing again, to start living and making the best out of this situation. I just find myself back at square one whenever I try: telling myself I don't want to be here!!

Sorry for the depressing post - I needed to get that off my chest.

1 comment:

G said...

Breathe, kid. Life is not always as dramatic as what you are living right now, and someday when your life is predictable (a.k.a. BORING!) you will miss the chaos of these years. TRY to enjoy some of it. You can always come to my house to get away from ALL the drama!!!

Love you lots,
AG