Thankss

So I feel as though the past few weeks have been an extremely depressing, difficult time for both me and my family - in more ways then one.

If you have kept up with my blog, you all know that I, both physically and mentally, have been through a lot. In addition, my Nana, who is suffering from Alzheimers, has also been spending time in and out of the hospital. We have known she has had Alzheimers for quite some time but in February it reached the point where she couldn't live at home anymore. The day before Valentine's Day we moved her into an assissted living facility. At first, whenever we went to visit her she would ask to come home. It came to the point where we needed to lie and tell her we were going to doctor appts, etc., and that she couldn't come with us. It was sad, but we knew she didn't know what we were doing. Anyway, Nana has gone down hill a lot, and at a rapid speed. In addition to the Alzheimers, we have always known she has had some gastrointestinal problems but wouldn't go to the doctor and be diagnosed or treated. With the Alzheimers taking over her body, her gastrointestinal issues have been more evident. This past week, or so, she was sent to the hospital because of rectal bleeding. The assissted living doesn't want to keep her, and we were convinced that they weren't ever going to let her back in. That the hospital would have to keep her until we found a place for her to go. How fair is that?! Anyway, the doctors wanted to do a colonoscopy but we knew she would refuse, so they didn't tell her. They stopped feeding her and brought her the prep drink. She didn't know what she was drinking but because she was so hungry/thirsty she drank it without a problem. They did the colonoscopy and she had no idea.

With a colonoscopy, they do a biopsy. Her's showed she had colon cancer. Colon cancer and Alzheimers, WONDERFUL! When my mom sat me down to tell me, I knew it was coming. She didn't even need to finish her sentence. Ulcerative colitis is hereditary and eventually develops into colon cancer, its almost guarenteed. When I heard she had a biopsy and knew that something was wrong based on my mom's expression, I knew it was colon cancer. We all knew, as I said before, that Nana had SOME form of gastrointestinal issue. And where I had ulcerative colitis, and knew it was hereditary - I put it all together.

I was upset because I knew the pain that I felt with the U.C. and that colon cancer could only be worse. I don't want to see my Nana suffer, but at the same time I don't know that she knows she is. I know, I know! Its really complicated but its the truth. She doesn't know she has cancer. She never will - and thats probably better off. The family decided not to treat it because it would just prolong the inevitable. My Nana isn't the Nana I knew growing up and she never will be again. Am I mad? Of course! Sad? Like you wouldn't believe. But I'm also lucky. I am the second oldest grandchild on that side of the family. I had a good 18, or so, years knowing my Nana and will keep all the good memories close to my heart. However, I have three cousins that will NEVER know her the way I did. Yeah, they knew her when she was better but they were too young to be able to remember it. They won't have the memories of sitting around the kitchen table on any given family get together singing songs, or putting a tape in the tape deck that hangs below the cabinets to the left of the back door and dancing around the kitchen floor being lead by Nana. They don't have the memory of sitting on her couch watching "Jack Frost" and the two of us completley balling. I don't know that they know of her unbelieveable skills at Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy or her undying love for Cryptograms. One thing that they can all be sure of, is she loved us. Toward the end, she had a hard time being at family gatherings because she would get irritated. The noise was way to much. But that never destroyed her love for us. I can't provide these memories for my little cousins but maybe someday I can share them with them, and they can live vicariously through me to get to know my Nana.

Anyway, like I said to C last night: If my Nana could see the way she was living her life now, she would be pissed. Nana was always on the go, full of energy, laughter, and her beautiful smile. She wasn't this "zombie" that we see when we go to visit her. And even if we are sitting there with her, she forgets we are there after just a few minutes. The way I see it is the Alzheimers is killing her, it has been killing her. But there was no deadline. Although there still isn't a deadline, we know that the cancer will take her away from us before the Alzheimers will. It is the way she would want it. I, personally, wish I could keep Nana around forever; but, not the Nana I know now - rather, the Nana I grew up knowing. I love her to death, and I hope she knows that.

When I was being Christened, she wrote me a poem. One of the stanzas said:

The years will go so quickly

I'll watch you as you grow

The pride I'll have within my heart

Is more than you will know

She was always wonderful at writing. And that one part of that one poem "gets me everytime." I know that even though she isn't "herself" she still loves all of us.

With that, she is always in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you Nana, I always will.