Have you ever done something or said something and the second the action is complete, or the words are pouring off the tip of your tounge you regret it?
Unfortunately, I have a really bad habit of that. I tend to say or do things to get a reaction out of people, and when I don't get the reaction I was looking for I get upset. As of recently I thought I was getting better with my patience and was over this extremely bad habit until last Monday when it hit me for the worst. It's like verbal diherra (I don't know how to spell that?!). I was at my boyfriend's house and was suppose to be heading back home, when he simply said "Ok." to my leaving I was mad. I know he cares about me, but I wanted him to want me to stay. Screwed up, right? So when he didn't have the reaction I wanted, I lost it. Needless to say, this turned into him not speaking to me. It has since been a week and I'm still not really sure as to what the deal is. Many people seem to think that what he is doing is mean, but in all honesty I deserve it. There have been numerous times in the past two years of our relationship that he said he was going to do this and never did. Him doing this has made me realize a lot about both the relationship we have and myself. I know I need to stop taking people for granted, especially those closest to me whom I care about most. I need to be more cautious of what is coming out of my mouth and not say things that aren't needed to be said. About our relationship, I've learned how important he is to me, that I am scared beyong belief about losing him, not so much as my "boyfriend," but more as my best friend.
I know this isn't something that you would expect to find on my blog, but I needed to get it out and as I've mentioned in previous posts I like the typing on a blog far better than handwriting in a journal.
Til' next time
Monday, August 2, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
It's when the reality all sets in. . .
It was just about a year and a half ago that I made the decision to take my second semester in a row off from school. It was an extremely hard decision then, and I knew that when it came to May 2010 I would just relive those long nights of tears and lack of sleep.
Well, May 2010 has arrived a lot sooner than I ever thought it would, and now those decisions I made just under two years ago are finally showing their ugly heads. When I decided to take those two semesters off, I had a hard time because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Yeah I had a big surgery, so what. I was young, I should have been able to bounce back without a problem - but I wasn't able to. The "adults" in my life told me I was making a good decision, that it was the best I could make. My question, is when am I going to feel this way. It is May 2010 - I should be graduating college this coming Saturday with the rest of my friends, but I'm not. On Saturday, they will all walk across the stage, receive their diploma, and leave for good. Hopefully, they will be back to visit next year - but who knows what roads life will carry them down. My boyfriend, of just about 18 months, will also be graduating. He, unlike my friends however, can't wait to get that piece of paper proving that he spent the four years he needed to receive it and leave for good. He claims that after he graduates he is never leaving his hometown. Okay, fine . . . but what does that mean for me? Yeah, I'm young and "there are plenty other fish in the sea" but that is a different problem.
Regardless, my friends had their "Last Supper" last night at the college's dining hall, they spent the day and evening at a local casino tonight, and the rest of the week brings a variety of other activities. MY problem with this, is that I am living this week with them, through them via text messaging. I wish I was there, I should be there. Had I been a healthy, normal 18 year old - I WOULD be there.
This week brings about a lot of regrets, causes a lot of rediculous questions to arise: should I have really taken those two semesters off? What would have happened if I didn't? Would I regret that now too?
It's hard. I won't try to sugar coat anything. I try to keep a positive outlook on everything all of the time. But for some reason, I just can't keep that smile on my face this week. And my friends aren't even around for me to complain to. I'm sure that come next year, I will be singing a different tune. Until then, I guess I'll rub it in their faces that I have another year of college and well, REAL WORLD HERE THEY COME!! SUCKASSS!
Well, May 2010 has arrived a lot sooner than I ever thought it would, and now those decisions I made just under two years ago are finally showing their ugly heads. When I decided to take those two semesters off, I had a hard time because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Yeah I had a big surgery, so what. I was young, I should have been able to bounce back without a problem - but I wasn't able to. The "adults" in my life told me I was making a good decision, that it was the best I could make. My question, is when am I going to feel this way. It is May 2010 - I should be graduating college this coming Saturday with the rest of my friends, but I'm not. On Saturday, they will all walk across the stage, receive their diploma, and leave for good. Hopefully, they will be back to visit next year - but who knows what roads life will carry them down. My boyfriend, of just about 18 months, will also be graduating. He, unlike my friends however, can't wait to get that piece of paper proving that he spent the four years he needed to receive it and leave for good. He claims that after he graduates he is never leaving his hometown. Okay, fine . . . but what does that mean for me? Yeah, I'm young and "there are plenty other fish in the sea" but that is a different problem.
Regardless, my friends had their "Last Supper" last night at the college's dining hall, they spent the day and evening at a local casino tonight, and the rest of the week brings a variety of other activities. MY problem with this, is that I am living this week with them, through them via text messaging. I wish I was there, I should be there. Had I been a healthy, normal 18 year old - I WOULD be there.
This week brings about a lot of regrets, causes a lot of rediculous questions to arise: should I have really taken those two semesters off? What would have happened if I didn't? Would I regret that now too?
It's hard. I won't try to sugar coat anything. I try to keep a positive outlook on everything all of the time. But for some reason, I just can't keep that smile on my face this week. And my friends aren't even around for me to complain to. I'm sure that come next year, I will be singing a different tune. Until then, I guess I'll rub it in their faces that I have another year of college and well, REAL WORLD HERE THEY COME!! SUCKASSS!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Ice Water.
Koozies.
Royal Blue.
Winterfresh Chewing Gum.
Blonde.
Singing.
Dancing.
The tape deck under the cabinets to the left of the back door.
Stop Screaming!
Tupperware full of cookies. (Drawer 3? on the left)
Slippers with the cutout toes.
Smile.
Polaroid.
Christmas.
Choir.
Chips & Dip.
Popsicles.
Fake eyebrows.
Love.
This short list is just the beginning of a numerous amount of things that trigger the memories I have shared with my grandmother over the past 21 years.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just a few short years ago and as of late has been "failing," as they say. She has put in a good fight and is ready to throw the towel in. None of us want her to go, and regardless of whether or not she is here with us or watching over us, our love for her is endless. My wanting her to continue to put up a fight is selfish. If she was her "normal" self, she would be appalled at the thought of the way she is now. She would never want to live like this. Come to think of it, I would never want to live the way she has been. Who would?
Seeing her, lying in her bed, tonight was not the Grandmother I have grown up knowing. She has stopped eating and drinking. She doesn't seem to know how to anymore. We stood there, standing over her, watching her the whole time, even though nothing changed the entire time we were there. I want her to know that I love her, and I always will . . . now and forever. That when she is ready to go, I'll be okay with it. I want to know she is herself again. Aware of everything, and everyone, around her. Able to sing with the magnificent voice God blessed her with, and to sing as loud and for as long as she wants. I want her to feel at rest: that she doesn't need to keep fighting, that she does not feel anymore pain. I want her to smile like she always smiled at me growing up. I want her to love me and watch over me; to be my Guardian Angel.
I love you Nana, always!
Koozies.
Royal Blue.
Winterfresh Chewing Gum.
Blonde.
Singing.
Dancing.
The tape deck under the cabinets to the left of the back door.
Stop Screaming!
Tupperware full of cookies. (Drawer 3? on the left)
Slippers with the cutout toes.
Smile.
Polaroid.
Christmas.
Choir.
Chips & Dip.
Popsicles.
Fake eyebrows.
Love.
This short list is just the beginning of a numerous amount of things that trigger the memories I have shared with my grandmother over the past 21 years.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just a few short years ago and as of late has been "failing," as they say. She has put in a good fight and is ready to throw the towel in. None of us want her to go, and regardless of whether or not she is here with us or watching over us, our love for her is endless. My wanting her to continue to put up a fight is selfish. If she was her "normal" self, she would be appalled at the thought of the way she is now. She would never want to live like this. Come to think of it, I would never want to live the way she has been. Who would?
Seeing her, lying in her bed, tonight was not the Grandmother I have grown up knowing. She has stopped eating and drinking. She doesn't seem to know how to anymore. We stood there, standing over her, watching her the whole time, even though nothing changed the entire time we were there. I want her to know that I love her, and I always will . . . now and forever. That when she is ready to go, I'll be okay with it. I want to know she is herself again. Aware of everything, and everyone, around her. Able to sing with the magnificent voice God blessed her with, and to sing as loud and for as long as she wants. I want her to feel at rest: that she doesn't need to keep fighting, that she does not feel anymore pain. I want her to smile like she always smiled at me growing up. I want her to love me and watch over me; to be my Guardian Angel.
I love you Nana, always!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Dean's List
For the first semester of my Freshman year in college I worked hard enough and made Dean's List at my school. The semester following that, but before my medical leave, I missed Dean's List by a .02, EVERYTIME!! Last semester, I was no where near making Dean's List but for whatever reason, I was okay with that. Taking a year off from school and making the decision to go back was hard enough. Rather than wrapping myself up in school work, I enjoyed my friends. I had fun, I was irresponsible, and I was happy. It was easy to do as the semester went on, but when I recieved my grades it was everything but okay. Returning to school this fall, I was determined to bring up my grades and I did. It is hard because I'm a smart girl, but I need to work for my good grades. I found myself constantly sitting at my desk focusing on school work. I'm not sure quite why but I did. Regardless, I still didn't make Dean's List. However, I brought up my grades by A LOT - so I was still happy.
On a happier note, I was informed by my doctor that my health has finally made Dean's List!! When I tell you it is the greatest feeling in the world, I'm not joking. Right before Christmas, I had my typical checkup with my surgeon. I told him about pain that I had been experiencing and he ran a bunch of tests through bloodwork. I emailed my nurse just a couple days ago and she replied with the most uplifting news. The part that meant the most to me, was that she was just as excited as I was. Like, she was proud to tell me that news. The way I'm trying to look at this is that it is a sign - this e-mail was the first interaction I had with any of my doctors in 2010 so I'm hoping this means I will be having a happy, and healthy New Year.
Here's hoping the same to all of you
On a happier note, I was informed by my doctor that my health has finally made Dean's List!! When I tell you it is the greatest feeling in the world, I'm not joking. Right before Christmas, I had my typical checkup with my surgeon. I told him about pain that I had been experiencing and he ran a bunch of tests through bloodwork. I emailed my nurse just a couple days ago and she replied with the most uplifting news. The part that meant the most to me, was that she was just as excited as I was. Like, she was proud to tell me that news. The way I'm trying to look at this is that it is a sign - this e-mail was the first interaction I had with any of my doctors in 2010 so I'm hoping this means I will be having a happy, and healthy New Year.
Here's hoping the same to all of you
Thursday, November 26, 2009
It's been awhile . . .
So it's been a reall long time since my last post, in fact I don't even know when my last post actually was.
Anyway, as usual life has been crazy and I've been too wrapped up in school work to other things to blog but today is Thanksgiving, a holiday, time to rest and enjoy the company of family and friends but for some reason, I still find stress in all of it.
I've come to the conclusion that I want to be a kid again. I don't want to have any worries in the world. I want my best friends, to be my best friends. I want boys to have cooties, I want sleepovers to be special because you get to stay up til like 11 o'clock and that is late. I want a lot of homework to be a couple worksheets that will take up to an hour tops. I want my mom to pick out my clothes everyday but still be young enough that I don't care what I'm wearing so I don't argue with her. I don't want to worry about what I look like or how much weight I've put on. I want to be able to run around and get dirty and not have a care in the world. I think it is so ironic that when we are young we can't wait to grow up and do what all the big kids do. Why do we wish away our childhood so much? I wish I could go back in time - but this time, stay a kid forever.
Anyway, off to see Nana at the nursing home - hopefully I can relax a little and ignore the fact that my binder full of work to do is sitting next to me staring me in the face. Humphh.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Anyway, as usual life has been crazy and I've been too wrapped up in school work to other things to blog but today is Thanksgiving, a holiday, time to rest and enjoy the company of family and friends but for some reason, I still find stress in all of it.
I've come to the conclusion that I want to be a kid again. I don't want to have any worries in the world. I want my best friends, to be my best friends. I want boys to have cooties, I want sleepovers to be special because you get to stay up til like 11 o'clock and that is late. I want a lot of homework to be a couple worksheets that will take up to an hour tops. I want my mom to pick out my clothes everyday but still be young enough that I don't care what I'm wearing so I don't argue with her. I don't want to worry about what I look like or how much weight I've put on. I want to be able to run around and get dirty and not have a care in the world. I think it is so ironic that when we are young we can't wait to grow up and do what all the big kids do. Why do we wish away our childhood so much? I wish I could go back in time - but this time, stay a kid forever.
Anyway, off to see Nana at the nursing home - hopefully I can relax a little and ignore the fact that my binder full of work to do is sitting next to me staring me in the face. Humphh.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Who knows . . .
This is rediculous. Just when you think it's over something else slips up that sets you back again. I'm sick of always being sick. Everyone at school tells me that I am always complaining and when I say I dont feel well the typical response is "K, you NEVER feel well." So okay maybe I dont always feel so hot but then again no one at school as been put through what I've gone through. Not to toot my own horn but I don't think any of them would have been able to deal with it the way I have and walk out in the end with a smile. No matter how I'm feeling I typically try to keep a positive attitude when I'm around others. It is when I'm alone that it really gets to me; I feel like I'm some sort of freak - that I will never be normal.
Sunday morning I woke up not feeling too well. I brushed it off, per usual. When I woke up Monday morning feeling worse, I knew something was up. I had a migraine, stomach pains, a stuffy nose, and the worst sore throat you could ever imagine. Originally I thought I had the flu, maybe pouchitis which only those who have had my surgery can get. I called my surgeon and have an appointment with him tomorrow morning. When Tylenol wasn't helping my headache and sore throat I called Mom. She said to call my Pediatrician as well. I did and they made an appointment for me for last night at 6:20. After the nurse saw me she did bloodwork and discovered I was positive for mononucleosis. GREAT! What else could I get at this point? She told me the worst of it is typically the first 5 to 7 days. Can I just tell you that the next 7 days are my last days of classes and then I have finals. This couldn't have happened at a better time, let me tell you.
On the other hand, I have by far the BEST boyfriend in the world. My Dad even likes him, when my Dad likes someone, you know they are a good person. The other day he showed up at my house without me to do some yard work for my parents. My mom asked him if I was with him and he said no she doesn't even know I am here. He then proceeded to text me and tell me that he was at a customer's house who had a "beautiful daughter" and maybe if the customer liked him the daughter would too. Typical me thought he was at his regular customers house and flipped out. When I found out he was talking about me I felt extremely guilty. Later that day, my Dad texted me saying he did a wonderful job on the yard and that "Puppy would really like him - a real hard worker." Puppy is my late grandfather who both my father and I miss terribly. It meant a lot to me when he said that. Today he drove from school to come see me. He changed the head light in my car and went with me to get an inspection sticker. As of right now, hes definitely a keeper and I couldn't ask for anyone better. I like you alot honey =)
Well I'm off to go rest. If my mom comes up here and finds me on my computer shes gunna get angry. Have a good night everyone!
Sunday morning I woke up not feeling too well. I brushed it off, per usual. When I woke up Monday morning feeling worse, I knew something was up. I had a migraine, stomach pains, a stuffy nose, and the worst sore throat you could ever imagine. Originally I thought I had the flu, maybe pouchitis which only those who have had my surgery can get. I called my surgeon and have an appointment with him tomorrow morning. When Tylenol wasn't helping my headache and sore throat I called Mom. She said to call my Pediatrician as well. I did and they made an appointment for me for last night at 6:20. After the nurse saw me she did bloodwork and discovered I was positive for mononucleosis. GREAT! What else could I get at this point? She told me the worst of it is typically the first 5 to 7 days. Can I just tell you that the next 7 days are my last days of classes and then I have finals. This couldn't have happened at a better time, let me tell you.
On the other hand, I have by far the BEST boyfriend in the world. My Dad even likes him, when my Dad likes someone, you know they are a good person. The other day he showed up at my house without me to do some yard work for my parents. My mom asked him if I was with him and he said no she doesn't even know I am here. He then proceeded to text me and tell me that he was at a customer's house who had a "beautiful daughter" and maybe if the customer liked him the daughter would too. Typical me thought he was at his regular customers house and flipped out. When I found out he was talking about me I felt extremely guilty. Later that day, my Dad texted me saying he did a wonderful job on the yard and that "Puppy would really like him - a real hard worker." Puppy is my late grandfather who both my father and I miss terribly. It meant a lot to me when he said that. Today he drove from school to come see me. He changed the head light in my car and went with me to get an inspection sticker. As of right now, hes definitely a keeper and I couldn't ask for anyone better. I like you alot honey =)
Well I'm off to go rest. If my mom comes up here and finds me on my computer shes gunna get angry. Have a good night everyone!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Taking things for granted
So after everything I have been through especially in the last year or so you would think
I would realize that we all take things in life for granted; as a matter of fact I feel as though we take life for granted.
The other afternoon I did my typical e-mail check and Facebook check. I had a message on Facebook from my aunt saying that a woman whom I use to work with had lost her 4 year old granddaughter to a brain tumor this past weekend. Four years old . . . can you imagine that? It made me think a lot of stuff in my life. Stuff I don't appreciate. Granted, I haven't had my health all my life but I have it now; for the most part. I have friends and family who care about me. I have two loving parents who i dissrespect more than imaginable. They know I love them and I would do absolutely anything for them. The problem is that 9 times out of 1o I have to start an argument first. I have two sisters who I would give my life for. I have almost always gotten along with the baby. I think that because I spent a year at home with her we grew pretty damn close. Unfortunately, I'm not as close with my other sister. We use to be best friends, I would tell her anything and everything. Senior year of high school, I got a boyfriend who she didn't get along with - it tore us apart. Now I have a boyfriend who she likes a lot more and I hope and pray that my relationship with her can grow strong again. As a matter of fact, after she met the new boyfriend she sent me a text saying she liked him 182957282925 times better than the last one. For some reason, that meant everything to me. I saved the text message - locked it in my phone so that it can never be deleted. Then there is my family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Again I would give my life for them. Many people who know me well know that my family is my world. I love all of them and love spending time with them. That isn't common with kids my age - I text my aunts for fun! Who do you know that can say that?! Then I have my friends - again, these people are my world and as always I would give my life for them. My problem with friends is that I have my true friends but then I have people who use me. I have a hard time saying no when people ask me to do things for them and in the end, I end up getting hurt. Regardless, at the end of the day I know who my true friends are.
I know I just rambled for a while but those are the things in life that we take for granted. Fighting with people is pointless - how would you feel if the last memory you ever had with someone you cared about was a fight. We need to start living life to the fullest because we never know when we are going to be robbed of it.
I hope you all realize what you have around you and who loves you. Don't let people take advantage of you and if you love someone tell them. You never know when it is going to be your last chance . . .
RIP Erin =)
I would realize that we all take things in life for granted; as a matter of fact I feel as though we take life for granted.
The other afternoon I did my typical e-mail check and Facebook check. I had a message on Facebook from my aunt saying that a woman whom I use to work with had lost her 4 year old granddaughter to a brain tumor this past weekend. Four years old . . . can you imagine that? It made me think a lot of stuff in my life. Stuff I don't appreciate. Granted, I haven't had my health all my life but I have it now; for the most part. I have friends and family who care about me. I have two loving parents who i dissrespect more than imaginable. They know I love them and I would do absolutely anything for them. The problem is that 9 times out of 1o I have to start an argument first. I have two sisters who I would give my life for. I have almost always gotten along with the baby. I think that because I spent a year at home with her we grew pretty damn close. Unfortunately, I'm not as close with my other sister. We use to be best friends, I would tell her anything and everything. Senior year of high school, I got a boyfriend who she didn't get along with - it tore us apart. Now I have a boyfriend who she likes a lot more and I hope and pray that my relationship with her can grow strong again. As a matter of fact, after she met the new boyfriend she sent me a text saying she liked him 182957282925 times better than the last one. For some reason, that meant everything to me. I saved the text message - locked it in my phone so that it can never be deleted. Then there is my family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Again I would give my life for them. Many people who know me well know that my family is my world. I love all of them and love spending time with them. That isn't common with kids my age - I text my aunts for fun! Who do you know that can say that?! Then I have my friends - again, these people are my world and as always I would give my life for them. My problem with friends is that I have my true friends but then I have people who use me. I have a hard time saying no when people ask me to do things for them and in the end, I end up getting hurt. Regardless, at the end of the day I know who my true friends are.
I know I just rambled for a while but those are the things in life that we take for granted. Fighting with people is pointless - how would you feel if the last memory you ever had with someone you cared about was a fight. We need to start living life to the fullest because we never know when we are going to be robbed of it.
I hope you all realize what you have around you and who loves you. Don't let people take advantage of you and if you love someone tell them. You never know when it is going to be your last chance . . .
RIP Erin =)
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