It's when the reality all sets in. . .

It was just about a year and a half ago that I made the decision to take my second semester in a row off from school. It was an extremely hard decision then, and I knew that when it came to May 2010 I would just relive those long nights of tears and lack of sleep.

Well, May 2010 has arrived a lot sooner than I ever thought it would, and now those decisions I made just under two years ago are finally showing their ugly heads. When I decided to take those two semesters off, I had a hard time because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Yeah I had a big surgery, so what. I was young, I should have been able to bounce back without a problem - but I wasn't able to. The "adults" in my life told me I was making a good decision, that it was the best I could make. My question, is when am I going to feel this way. It is May 2010 - I should be graduating college this coming Saturday with the rest of my friends, but I'm not. On Saturday, they will all walk across the stage, receive their diploma, and leave for good. Hopefully, they will be back to visit next year - but who knows what roads life will carry them down. My boyfriend, of just about 18 months, will also be graduating. He, unlike my friends however, can't wait to get that piece of paper proving that he spent the four years he needed to receive it and leave for good. He claims that after he graduates he is never leaving his hometown. Okay, fine . . . but what does that mean for me? Yeah, I'm young and "there are plenty other fish in the sea" but that is a different problem.

Regardless, my friends had their "Last Supper" last night at the college's dining hall, they spent the day and evening at a local casino tonight, and the rest of the week brings a variety of other activities. MY problem with this, is that I am living this week with them, through them via text messaging. I wish I was there, I should be there. Had I been a healthy, normal 18 year old - I WOULD be there.

This week brings about a lot of regrets, causes a lot of rediculous questions to arise: should I have really taken those two semesters off? What would have happened if I didn't? Would I regret that now too?

It's hard. I won't try to sugar coat anything. I try to keep a positive outlook on everything all of the time. But for some reason, I just can't keep that smile on my face this week. And my friends aren't even around for me to complain to. I'm sure that come next year, I will be singing a different tune. Until then, I guess I'll rub it in their faces that I have another year of college and well, REAL WORLD HERE THEY COME!! SUCKASSS!